


Pure Happiness

by redeem147



Category: Angel: the Series
Genre: F/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2011-08-09
Updated: 2011-08-09
Packaged: 2017-10-22 10:07:19
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,272
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/236929
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/redeem147/pseuds/redeem147
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Soul. No soul. Is that all there is?</p>
            </blockquote>





	Pure Happiness

Angel and Cordelia sat as far apart as possible on the small red couch. “It’s quiet,” he said, looking around the lobby, trying to avoid her eyes.

 

“I told everyone to get out. That we needed to talk.”

 

He nodded. “So talk.”

 

“I will when you look at me.” She caught his arm in her hand. “Look at me. I’m not her.”

 

“I know. I mean, in my head I know. It’s just that…”

 

“That you’ve had a hell of a year. I know. I saw it all.” Her lower lip quivered as she tried to gain control. “You don’t know what it was like. I watched that demon hurt you, each of you. Watched you watching her with Connor.” He turned aside, and she caught his cheek, gently forcing him to meet her gaze. “And I was so damn angry. There was nothing I could do. Hearing her lies; bringing back Angelus…”

 

“I really don’t want to talk about it. Please Cordy…”

 

“Do you still love me?” She could see it in his eyes; the pain he'd felt, the rejection. “Because I really love you and I want you to know that.” She ran her fingers down the side of his face. “What she said, about seeing Angelus and not knowing if she could love you, that was another lie. I know who you are.”

 

He took her hand in his, pulling it away from his face, but not letting go. “Do you?”

 

“I do.” She squeezed his fingers. “Do you?”

 

He pulled away at that, stood up and moved to the counter. “I’m a monster.”

 

“Sometimes.” She followed him, laying a hand on his shoulder. “I saw some things, about you, about vampires. Who is Angelus?”

 

“He’s who I am without a soul. The real me.”

 

“I see.” She stepped back. “And who is Angel? Some fake broody guy the gypsies made up?”

 

“Something like that.” He pressed his palms together, staring at his fingers. “This can’t work. Yes, I do love you. But I can never be with you. I think the last few months have proven that.”

 

“What’s that, breakup speech 101? Did you use that on Buffy?” Her sharp tone brought his head up. “You have no idea of who or what you are. What the gypsies did to you.” She covered his hands with hers. “What you do to yourself. Who were you, before you were turned?”

 

“I was a useless piece of space. Which my father told me at every opportunity.” He wanted to slip out of her grasp, but didn’t. She was giving him needed strength. “So, I killed him, first chance I got. Ate him. Ate my mother. Ate…I killed my little sister. She loved me.”

 

“And what was it like after that?” She took his hand and pulled him back toward the couch, where he sat down beside her.

 

“I was the worst monster I ever met. You know the story. I seduced. I destroyed. Made Dru mad, just for fun. Pillaged Europe. Until I ate the wrong girl, got my soul back. Felt the guilt. Had a moment of true happiness and lost my soul again. Raped and pillaged. Repeat ad infinitum.” The pain in his eyes was palpable. “I can’t. Not again.”

 

“So, the curse is, you get your soul back, that ‘useless waste of space’s’ soul, and you’re a good guy. You lose it and you're evil incarnate.” He shrugged and she continued. “So how come, Raven girl drugs you, makes you feel happy, and you go evil? You’ve still got the soul.” She could see the confusion, that he’d never really considered the reason. “And how come Spike gets his soul back, and apart from a little momentary nutsiness, he’s still Spike? And how come Darla wasn’t really all that nice when she was human?”

 

“Spike got his soul back?”

 

“We’re talking about you. And why does soulless Darla stake herself to give birth to Connor? And don’t give me that ‘she felt the baby’s soul’ crap. She loved him, and she was willing to die to save him. Not exactly total evil.”

 

“About Spike.”

 

She sighed. “He wanted a soul and he got it. Long story, which I happen to know he thinks is pretty private. So just because I was omniscient for a while, and I could tell you, I think you should talk to him if you want to know the story.” She sat up straight and looked him in the eye. “What’s a moment of true happiness mean to you? I mean, what did that shaman do to bring out Angelus? I could see what was happening, but I couldn’t see the dream. Must have been some dream.”

 

“I…Well, I dreamt I was making love to you.”

 

She beamed. “Cool. I mean, I think it fits my theory. There’s more here than playing musical souls.” She took a deep breath. “Here’s what I think. I think that when you became a vampire, you lost your soul and your conscience. That’s basic vamp stuff. But you became worse than most, and besides Darla’s bad influence, you killed your little sister. I don’t think you could get over that. I think it bothered you more than you could deal with. So you just went deeper and deeper into the evil.”

 

He tried to follow her reasoning. “But the gypsies cursed me, and I felt remorse. I felt the weight of my soul. Until I lost it again.”

 

“Until you became Angelus again. Why? Because you didn’t have a soul? I think it’s more than that. I think that you deep down hate yourself so much, that when you’re really happy you think you don’t deserve it. That you take all the guilt and pain and shove it down some place and let yourself be evil.”

 

“I don’t understand? What about when I have my soul? I don’t want to be evil.”

 

“You don’t want to be happy. Whatever you could say about Angelus, he’s a pretty happy guy. So, here’s the cycle as I see it. You get your soul, and you realize you don’t deserve to be happy. So if you do let yourself forget that, even for one minute, you turn shift into the part of you that does like it. That doesn’t have a conscience. And I don’t mean the soul isn’t part of it. I think it is. Just not the whole part. Cause that doesn’t work either.”

 

Angel ran his fingers through his hair, until it stuck up even more than usual. “What you’re saying…which I don’t quite get but…you make me sound like I have…”

 

“Some multiple personality thing going? Yeah, something like that. With bumpies and fangs thrown in to stir things up.” She drew closer to him, resting her head on his shoulder. “I think maybe that we should be looking further than in and out soul spells. I think we should be looking,” she placed her hand on his chest, “inside you. Because I love you, and I want to be with you. And I don’t want to have to stake you in the afterglow.”

 

He put his arm around her shoulder, as they relaxed into each other. “I think you might be crazy. But on the other hand, you might be right. So, what do we do now?”

 

“I don’t know. Get Wesley to research demon shrinks?” She drew her legs up onto the couch and lay her head in his lap. “For the moment, cuddling is good.”

 

He stroked her hair with his fingertips. “And then we research?”

 

“Oh, baby, yeah.”


End file.
